I left my full-time job for this sahm/wahm/grad student gig a little over two weeks ago. I was apprehensive to share my thoughts and feelings about this move until I felt like I fully wrapped my head around it and could form my mouth, errr, fingers?, around the words to describe it.
In a lot of ways, it’s everything I ever wanted. But in others, I was still blindsided by the experience.
I love the flexibility of being at home and spending more time with the kids. I never thought I’d get joy from being able to water my plants in the daylight!
I love working with my son on his schoolwork. I was most apprehensive about my ability to teach him and prepare him for kindergarten. I didn’t trust my ability to equip him for school. I actually felt like I was failing him by switching him to a part-time preschool from a very rigorous full-time program. I prayed we wouldn’t regret this decision.
I love the freedom to take back our weekends. When Brian and I were both working full-time, we didn’t get home until 7pm. In order to keep our heads above water from the day-to-day, some of the normal household duties and errands had to get pushed to the weekend, like never-ending laundry piles, a too-tall lawn to be mowed, medicine to pick up from the pharmacy, and fighting crowded stores for groceries. It was kind of a nightmare.
I love not working in a job I hate. This is pretty self-explanatory.
The thing I was least prepared for was how quickly the human brain can replace one stressful thought with another.
I thought in a lot of ways that I was escaping my biggest stressor by leaving my last job. When in fact without skipping a beat my brain zeroed in another potentially upsetting, but totally manageable situation, that once under the microscope felt like a very big deal.
It really wasn’t a big deal.
It was probably my naivety to believe that the stress would completely go away. There will always be something. But that is life!
With this pregnancy I am constantly keeping my depression gauge on. If I’m having a bad day, I start wondering if this is the start of when things start to turn black, or I’ll suddenly notice that it’s been awhile since I felt sad that maybe it’s just inevitable. Will I want to wake up tomorrow?
Things got pretty bad with my pregnancy with Lux. My OB, Dr. Wonderful, was there for it last time and I’m reassured to know that she’s there if I need it. So far, so good.
I’m still working to get a daily schedule planned out. Taking out 8-10 hours of the day being exhausted at a full-time job and surely there would be more day left, but I find the evenings still come far too quickly. I hope that we’ll find our groove soon. I’d love to squeeze in more time for writing, especially for this poor neglected blog. (I can do better, I promise!)
Also a nap, I’d love to find time for a nap.