We’re under the 36 hour mark before baby Sparkle arrives and the reality of life changing for all of us is starting to sink in. In less than two days we’ll be finally meeting our third baby and flipping the pages over to a new chapter of life as a family of five instead of four. Five means we’ve officially outgrown our cozy little three bedroom home, can no longer all fit in the Murano, and have to scoot a little closer to add an extra chair to the dinner table. I sometimes feel like my life is already so full with the two amazing children I already have that it can’t possibly have room in my heart for another human to take up space. I know that these feelings are just the pre-baby jitters, the second-guessing and innate worry of failure that will pass as soon as we meet our son or daughter but that doesn’t change how deeply I feel them.
The last few days I’ve been fixated on how tiny these two still are. I concentrate on Lux’s little hands and they seem so small. Her feet still fit in the palms of my hand. I hope she knows how adored she is. She’s got a fiery personality and loves to be the center of my world, whether she’s dancing in circles at my feet or calling me over to listen to her sing “Let It Go” for the frillionth time while she stands on her imaginary stage, the fireplace hearth. She crawls into our bed almost every morning at exactly 6:45 a.m. dragging her pink crocheted blanket and whatever toy she snuggled up with the night before and pulls the closest arm over her body, it’s usually mine. She fits perfectly in the nook of my shoulder and I wonder how many more early mornings I’ll get like this.
Lately we’ve enjoyed some lovely warm afternoons in the backyard together. She begs me to push her higher on the swing set and catch her as she leaps from the slide into my arms and she needs me. Just me. I make her happy. I can’t bear to think that she’ll ever not be so full of joy that it pours out in her smile and her brilliant blue eyes.
Knox is giddy with excitement about meeting his little sister or brother. He asks to hug the baby multiple times per day and he wraps his arms around my swollen belly as tightly as he can. They, of course, can’t fully reach but he always says that he loves the baby. His tender heart, that boy, is so serving and generous. I see these characteristics in him and they make me glow with pride, but I worry for him too, because I know how lonesome that can make someone feel.
He’s five now, and what a difference there is when having a baby at that age than at 2.5 when Lux was born. Knox is aware that we are bringing home a baby soon. I hope that in the new baby fog we don’t lose sight of building him up well and recognizing his unique role as big brother. While this year has brought our family through many different changes, I hope that this one won’t be too much for him to take. Though, he is thriving on his ever-growing independence and I know he will flourish as our little helper and big brother-in-charge.
Looking back at this time last year I still cannot fathom that we’d be where we are today. And I’m happy, so happy and that brings hope. When things were really bleak and downright desperate, we were given this incredible gift of new life that gave us purpose and focus. Some super sweet friends met me for some fro-yo tonight in celebration of that hope. And I am reminded again of how thankful I am for the little (soon-to-be-bigger) life I get to live.