“I don’t know how you do it all.”
I get that a lot. I know it’s mostly meant as a compliment. Sometimes I get the feeling it’s more backhanded than others, or just what people say casually as a common reply phrase. My plate is perpetually full, my calendar blocked with artfully colorful notes about meetings and deadlines and appointments that scream BUSY, BUSY, BUSY, yet what they truthfully hide is long string of over commitments and poorly managed boundaries.
I started back to work when Huck was 2 weeks old and dove head first into managing two jobs, a full load of graduate school classes, three young children, and managing a house and social/extracurricular schedule. Looking back I think I can honestly say that decision may not have been the best. I probably needed more time to let my body and mind heal a bit. It was easy to feel pressured to live up to expectations, real ones and those created in my head. I probably should have been more honest with my OB and friends when they asked how I was doing instead of masking the hard feelings with a brave face after giving birth.
Admittedly I am the worst at resting. Even sitting down to eat lunch without distractions is difficult. The need to constantly be multitasking is engrained in my brain, I have always said that’s just the way I am wired. I like being busy. I thrive in the chaos of it all. I find value in myself in how much I can handle, and it’s a lot because I’m pretty bad ass, I think. (HA).
But then there’s guilt about what I can’t do more of because I’m having to work through other things. I can get pretty bummed about letting others down. As a mom, and a woman, and basically a human, I feel like I’m probably failing at everything and most likely also screwing up my children. They deserve the world and I’m going to under deliver on that every single time. I feel guilty for not being the mom who reads through 20 billion storybooks before bedtime, or because I miss family dinner a few times a month, or because I want to be ALL THE THINGS TO ALL THE PEOPLE IN MY LIFE.
I mean, come on though, right, even superheroes have their limits.