Status Update: Hasn’t left couch in three days.
Applying for jobs is exhausting and exasperating as you can imagine. Unemployment is a tricky little devil in that you get to without pants every day but at the same time you have nothing to do but sit in your thick shame cloud.
Shame clouds smell like farts. Probably.
My first day of unemployment I easily applied for over 100 jobs. The problem with this strategy is that there aren’t any jobs left to apply for the next day. So even though you are grossly over qualified, that application for Wendy’s starts to seem appealing because at least you are productive. Until, you get turned down for that job, too. Making cheeseburgers does not make for good use of that master’s degree and even they know that.
I finally started getting calls for interviews. And I don’t want to brag, but I do kinda want to brag, because I’m really freaking good at job interviews. I also have a paralyzing fear of letting people down and/or saying no. So at the present moment I have like seven jobs.
I have basically gotten a routine down for my day.
Wake up, check to make sure no children got left behind for pre-school drop off.
Decide it’s a good time for breakfast.
Decide an apple and handful of cheese puffs is an acceptable meal.
Scroll through job websites.
Fill online shopping carts.
Abandon online shopping carts.
Think about brushing teeth.
Probably should brush teeth.
Open diet coke instead.
Watch three episodes of Veep.
Look at computer.
Wonder aloud about going to the gym.
Take a nap instead.
Eat lunch consisting of a Costco-size tray of bagel bites.
Realize that unemployment is almost exactly like summertime as a teenager.
Begrudgen friends on Facebook with pools.
Look at job sites on the computer.
Decide that possibly of finding job or dying of Oreo overdose is almost equal.
Looks at jobs.
Applies for one job.
Takes another nap.
Status update: Dead from Oreo overdose.